Repent!
by Summerlea
Summary: beware Axel and the Holy Bible [oneshot][crack!fic]


**REPENT, Motherfuckers!****  
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**A/N:** ...Don't ask. :/ Seriously. Don't.  
OHBYTHEWAY. This is so not a bash on religion. Really, it isn't. So don't fucking flame me.  
Implied Roxas/Axel, very implied Marluxia/Xaldin.  
Fear the buttsex. And the swearing.  
Written for my loverface. Squee.

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It started as something innocent enough; Xaldin had forced the book on the annoying pyromaniac late one night in the Library That Never Was in some vain attempt to make the other stop reading over his shoulder. It hadn't worked, not really, because then Axel had his chin on the Lancer's shoulder, fingering the old, cracked leather binding of the book and asking totally random questions concerning the contents of the book.  
But how was Xaldin supposed to know that Axel had never touched The Holy Bible in his previous, Somebody life? (Although it really wasn't that surprisingy- Axel never seemed much of a bookworm) Or that the pyromaniac would take so much interest in this concept of 'God'?

After a good half an hour of babbling in his ear, Xaldin had had enough and simply kicked the other out of the library, after snarling, "If you're so fucking interested in, then READ. IT."

Axel, for once in his existance, took the advice and locked himself in his quarters until he had finished the book. It took him a good week to do so, which meant an entire week without Number Eight running amok, causing havoc. Xemnas had dropped to his knees after the third day and christened the week "The Week of Healing" and pushed back everyone's missions until Axel had finished his book.  
On the 8th day of 'Healing' (christened because, for once, the entire castle was free of burn marks, smoke, plants or people aflame or flying chakrams of death) Axel finally emerged from his room, looking solemn and blank. With the book tucked under his arm, the gold writing reflecting the castle's lighting, he first cornered Demyx who had been on his way downstairs to go play in the rain.

"Demyx," Axel started, moving to block the other's exit. "As my friend and co-worker, I'd just like to express how worried I am for your eternal soul."

"Huh?" Replied the Nocturne, looking confused and wary and wondering if he should make a break for it. Axel was acting way too abnormal to be safe.

"Your _soul_," He repeated, wiggling his book in Demyx's face. "We don't have hearts, but we do have SOULS, and yours is going to burn in fucking HELL, Demyx, where you'll get tortured for all eternity because some bitches tortured this Jesus guy."

Demyx's blue eyes widened and he squeaked, backing away from the firey red-head. "Wh-what?"

"Look, Demyx, you may mean well and all, but, we kill people for a living," Axel continued, patting the bewildered sitarist on the shoulder sympathetically. "And that's a big no-no to this God guy. But I know how to save you."

Demyx was nibbling on his lower lip, looking anxious. "How?" He gushed, wringing his hands.

"I've just got to like, shove your head under some water until you see this guy and see the way and shit." Axel nodded, solem and wise, and pressed one hand onto Demyx's back, guiding him down the hallway towards the bathrooms. "It'll be easy- don't worry. It's not like you hate water or anything."

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The next day, after Demyx had been dismissed from his missions because he couldn't stop coughing up water and bath salts (how was Axel supposed to know that the water had to be fresh?), Axel was found wandering around with a set of black robes unlike his normal uniform. The Bible was tucked under his arm again, and he seemed to be humming as he padded down the hallway, the white collar ringing around his neck standing out stark against his black clothing.  
Roxas was the one who stumbled upon him this time, looking warily at his best friend and keeping a good distance away from the other. "What are you wearing, Axel?"

Axel paused, blinking at the other with a blank, innocent look. "What do you mean?" He asked, glancing down at his own robes. "Only what a Servant of God should wear."

Roxas stared blankly, his blue eyes narrowing. "A _what? - _Nevermind. You didn't take some more of Vexen's drugs again, did you?"

Axel feigned a hurt expression, one of his hands flying to his non-existant heart. "Why, Roxas, as if I'd ever put something so corrupting into my body. That's a sin, you know."

Roxas looked a bit dumb-struck, but still took a step backward when Axel moved forward, towards him. "What are you trying to do, Axel?"

The red head smiled sweetly, moving faster than the Key of Destiny and had him cornered against a wall and a side-table. "Nothing, Roxas. Just preaching the Lord's name. - You really should repent, but I can just do it for you, so don't worry." And with that, Axel took up his bible, and in one smooth movement, whacked Roxas upon the forehead with the leather front.  
The blonde boy just stared.

"Dear Jesus, save this young boy's soul from eternal damnation!" Axel cried, holding his bible upright like it were some sort of holy weapon, and didn't notice the bewildered look Roxas was giving him. "He is a good boy, even if he does have amnesia and occasionally joins in on crude homosexual acts-"  
"-I've only ever done stuff with _you!_" Roxas cut in, offended.

Axel blantly ignored him, continuing onward,"-But he's young and there's still time to repent for his sins, so just don't damn him right now, okay, Lord?" With that said and done, Axel tucked his bible under his arm and strolled off down the corridor, leaving a gaping Roxas behind him.

"What the fuck?" Roxas snapped to no one in particular, after Axel's robes disappeared around the corner.

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By the third day word had gotten around about Axel's strange behaviour and everyone was ansy whenever the red-head came into view. Demyx was still out of comission, and Roxas had disappeared to go 'pick up on ladies', as he had bluntly put it before vanishing into the Darkness.

The sudden Bible-Pushing Axel worried the majority of the occupants of the Castle That Never Was, but a few still managed to get past it and go on with their daily routines. Such as Marluxia, who was currently writhing ontop of his red-silk sheets, groaning and mewing like a kitten with Xaldin's cock buried inside of him.  
But this was normal.

What as not normal was Axel walking in on them, his holy robes draped over him, his bible tucked into the crook of his arm. Upon realizing what he had just walked in on, the red-head stopped, mouth agape. The other two occupants of the room did like-wise, although their surprise shifted alot further to irritation.  
"Sinners!" Axel finally cried after a long moment, waving a hand dramatically. "Comitting sexual acts before marriage is one thing, but this is entirely different. Homosexuality is just- just WRONG," He continued, seemingly oblivious to the fact that two of his co-workers were naked and sweating before him.  
"You'll burn in hell!" Axel cried, flailing. "ETERNAL HELL FLAMES!" To give an example, he lit the wooden head-board of the bed on fire, to which Marluxia sat up and gave an annoyed, "HEY. That's mine, you little shit!"

Axel replied by pulling a small glass bottle from his pocket, which he un-screwed, and tossed the contents onto the two men before him, who gaped. "Maybe Holy water will save your souls," He murmured, shaking his head sadly, and exited from the room.

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On the fourth day, Axel was spotted before a collection of Dusks in the court-yard, the Holy Bible open in his palms, his voice stern and serious as he read aloud. "...And then David threw a stone or something into Goliath's eye and the giant fell over and died and shit and everyone was happy and believed in God and didn't burn in Hell. The End." He clapped the book shut, green eyes looking out on the blank, swaying Dusks.  
"See? - Even stupid, mindless peasants that let even stupider Giants trample them around for decades were saved once they swore their lives to God. Even you guys'll be alright as long as you pledge your lives to God. Get it?"  
The Dusks swayed in response, mute and uncaring.

Axel sighed, irritated, and waved a hand. "Alright, all of you go up to the bathroom and take turns dunking yourselves in the bath-tub until you see He-...Jesus." The Dusks swayed off in a line towards the inside of the castle without any complaints and Axel smiled to himself. He turned back into the castle, and was met face to face with Larxene.

"What did you do to Marluxia?" Larxene demanded, hands on her hips, icy blue eyes narrowed.  
Axel took a step back, smiling weakly. "Saved his soul?" He offered, lamely. Something clicked in his mind, visibly, and his smile grew. "Actually, I was meaning to speak with you, Larxene. - Have you ever considered joining a convenant and saving yourself for God?"

The girl stared back at him, expression blank for a moment, before her laughter shattered it. Doubling over and holding her sides, she didn't see how Axel frowned. "Wh-What? Are you s-serious? _Save m-myself!?_" Again, her voice was shattered with laughter and Axel pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes.

"Yes," He replied, firmly, and withdrew a modest black dress from inside a bag he had been carrying around. "See? Become a Nun, Larxene and save your soul," Axel pressed, wiggling the outfit for emphasis.  
Wiping her eyes, Larxene straightened and took the outfit from him, holding it with her finger-tips like it were something dead and diseased. Her smirk turned wicked, the wheels behind her blue eyes turning. "Sure, Axel. I'll save myself," She agreed reasonably, folding the dress up and turned on her heel, heading back into her castle.  
Upstairs, Larxene shut and locked the door to a particularly white room behind herself, and turned to face Namine, smirking. The little black nun dress was covering the older blonde's body, and Larxene approached Namine, wickedly grinning and palming a small wooden ruler. "You've been a _terrible_ sinner, Namine. Tsk, tsk. You're going to get some lashings for that..."

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On the fifth day, the Organization was grouped around their long dining table. Roxas had returned the night before, and Demyx had finally stopped throwing up long enough to attempt to get some food into his system. Axel, clad in his robes, was sitting up straight and cutting civily into his food, silent for a change.  
The rest of the group was thick with uneasy tension, waiting for Axel to open his mouth. A minute later, and he did.

"Did you notice," Axel started, setting his fork and knife down. Beside him, Saïx had stiffened and trained his eyes onto his plate, knowing very well that dismembering his co-worker would probably not go over very well with Xemnas. "That there are thirteen of us," Down the table, Luxord had snorted so hard that he was currently choking on his mashed potatoes.  
Axel went on, oblivious. "And there are twelve apostles in The Last Supper, and then there's Jesus. And he's all like 'One of you will betray me' and shit, right? - Well, that's kind of like us." With his fork, he gestured around the table to the other, blank faced members of Organization Thirteen. "I'm, like, Jesus, and you guys are all my apostles and one of you is secretly sin incarnate."

"More like Judas," Marluxia muttered under his breath on the other side of his table, a wicked smirk curling across his lips as he pushed around the vegetables on his plate.

After a long moment, from down the table Xigbar had pushed away. "That's it. I'm just going to shoot him and get it over with," He stated, heading towards the red-haired preacher. Vexen shot up from his seat, grasping the older man and, with the help of Lexaeus, drove the Sharp Shooter back to his seat, cooing that Xemnas was against killing their own members.

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On the sixth day, already targeted members had taken to making themselves scarce whenever Axel appeared (with the exception of Larxene, who would come up and casually ask, did Axel have any candles or holy, silk ties?) and it gave the red head the abililty to slip around the castle without interruption. On this particular day, he had a mission in mind. The night before he had stumbled upon Seven, bowed before a large glass window that the moon was gazing through, muttering something under his breath.

Now, at whatever time in the afternoon it was, Axel was hunting down the other. It took him a good ten minutes until he stumbled upon Saïx with a cup of tea and an open magazine in the kitchen. Standing in the doorway, with his eyes narrowed, Axel merely observed for a moment. Saïx was the first to speak. "What do you want?" He growled, golden eyes not even lifting from the page.

"I saw you last night," Axel replied, and Saïx froze a moment, amber eyes going distant as he tried to remember what he had done last night. "Worshipping the moon," The red head continued, and Saïx relaxed into his chair. "Oh yes, I saw you, you filthy pagan."

Saïx's eyes narrowed and lifted, honing in on the silver, oddly sharpened cross that Axel held clutched in one palm. He arched a thin, blue eyebrow and merely let Axel speak.

"God does not take well to heathens, but since I can't save your soul, I can at least get rid of it. For, as acting as His voice, God will pardon me." And then Axel moved, surprisingly fast for those heavy robes, lifting the silver cross/daggar as he drew closer towards the other. Overly dramatic, the red-head unleased a battle cry,"I banish you to hell, DEMON spawn!"

With Axel two steps from Saïx, the older male had risen to his feet and rolled his magazine up, lifting it. In one smooth movement, he smacked Axel across the forehead with the rolled up writing, and watched as the red head, startled, tripped over his robes and stumbled to the ground. After a moment, he sat up, the hilt of the silver daggar sticking out of his stomach.  
Blankly, Axel stared down at the daggar before his face fell into a frown. "You're lucky we can't bleed otherwise I'd totally kick your ass for getting blood all over my robes," He stated simply, grasping the daggar's hilt with both hands and pulled it out of his chest with a small grunt.

Standing above him, Saïx shook his head, sighed, and called up a portal to darkness, which he stepped into.  
"Hey!" Axel snarled after him, shaking a fist. "I'm not done with you! You'll burn in hell whether you want to or not!"

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On the seventh and final day, Xemnas had awoken early in the morning and shuffled into his large, connected bathroom, and back into his room, only to come face to face with a life-size figure of Jesus nailed and writhing on his cross, hanging above his king sized bed. The room was littered with rosaries, and pinned on the wall, all of his world domination blue-prints were covered up with ways to spread the joy of Jesus.  
Balling his hands into fists, Xemnas decided that enough was enough.

After getting dressed and doing all of ritualistic morning traditions (which included brushing his teeth, flossing, combing his hair seventy times exactly, and staring out his window at Kingdom Hearts for twenty minutes), Xemnas opened up a portal to the darkness, and stepped out on the other side in the middle of the courtyard where Axel was trying, in vain, to get Demyx's Dancer Nobodies to dress a bit more modestly.

"Eight," Xemnas' deep, serious voice cut through the quiet of the courtyard, and Axel paused in his work to turn and look towards the other curiously. "What exactly are you trying to do about all of this God nonsense?"  
Axel cocked his head to the side, giving his most innocent look. "Whatever do you mean, Oh Superior-Who-Is-Not-Superior-To-The-Lord?"

Xemnas' eye twitched visibly, but he reminded himself to remain calm. "It's... lovely that you've found this new idol, Eight, but it's unacceptable, this behavior. If it doesn't stop soon, I'll be forced to take drastic measures against you and your, uhm," His eyes dropped, scanning the title of Axel's leather-bound book. "_Holy Bible."_

Axel solem expression cracked suddenly, into a broad, devious smile. "Hey, relax, Superior. You don't have to go into termination mode, y'know?" He lifted his copy of the Bible, and, in his hands, the thing suddenly burst into flames. Alarmed, Xemnas took a step back, eyes widening.  
Axel was grinning wickedly, and when the book had burned away to ashes, brushed them off his hands. "I was just fucking with you guys. You didn't really think that I believed in God, did you? Shit- I'm a villan here, not a Messiah." He laughed, shaking his head, and made his way off towards the castle.

"Hey, Roxas! Do you want to know what winks and fucks like a God"

Standing out in the courtyard, Xemnas was left to stare dumbly at the remains of the Bible, wondering where the hell he managed to find these people.

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End file.
